The video is later posted on various social media outlets. I watch the video. My name and final numbers come across the screen. I'm confused because the person on the screen isn't Jennifer Millican. The person on the screen is a geared lifter. Hmmmm.
I feel kind of annoyed. I message the guy and tell him that he has misrepresented my name, after telling him how the great the video is of course. He apologizes but doesn't seem to have any intention of correcting it. Weird.
As days go by it keeps popping up in my mind. I've worked really hard the last two years on attempting to understand my feelings about something before reacting immediately. Recently, when something like this happens, I ask myself, 'so what does that mean?'.
I'm annoyed that my name is wrong on the video
So what does that mean?
It means that I don't want my name on someone else's body
So what does that mean?
It means that I don't want people to think that is me
So what does that mean?
It means that I don't want people to think I'm a geared lifter
So what does that mean
It means that I lift raw and that's not me and I want the credit!
So as I go through this, I start to peel away the layers of why it's bothering me. Initially, I tell myself I'm being a little bitchy diva and need to stop. Then I think, fuck that! I worked really really really hard to hit those numbers. He's not just misrepresenting me, he's misrepresenting all of my hard work, all my early mornings, all my holidays eating chicken and rice, all my aches, all my pains, all the mornings I didn't fix my babies breakfast. It's not that he's just misrepresenting me, but he's representing everything I'm not.
So what does that mean?
It means that's not an accurate representation of the lifter I am
So what does that mean?
It means I want it to be clear what I represent
AHA! Now I have something........
I don't need a you tube video for that. I have a blog, dammit, and I'll take care of it myself.
When I ask myself why I love powerlifting so much, at first I come up with all these super deep, existential reasons. Which are pretty much bullshit. At the end of the day, when you dig past the hardcore lifter, the mother, the feminist, whatever else, and get down to the very very core, there's.........a jock. That's right! A good old fashioned jock. I've been a tomboy since forever. Growing up, I played every sport imaginable with every boy in the neighborhood and loved every second of it. I had no mercy for how bad they felt when a girl beat them. I could and can and did and do talk shit with biggest baddest boys on the field and in the gym. I have lost friends, made social situations awkward and family members gun shy over asking me to play board games. I would go to softball tournaments and be at the ball fields for 12 hours a day for 3 days and get home at 8 on Sunday night and beg my father to come outside and play catch. I couldn't get enough. I love playing anything. I love being better than average even more. Even more than that, I love improving, I love redemption, I love identifying what I suck at and then OBSESSING about how I am going perfect it. The competitiveness and desire to be the best is a fire I can't put out. Powerlifting is a perfect outlet.
When I decide I want to do something, I have the tendency to become hyper focused. I wasn't kidding about becoming obsessed. I will research, read, watch video, adjust, readjust, stay up late, wake up early, think and overthink every possible angle, situation, outcome, most likely and most unlikely result and possibility until I actually start to get on my own nerves. Powerlifting is the perfect outlet.
I'm five feet tall on most days. I've always had muscles. Growing up I would hide my arms for fear of comments. I've always been strong. I always did the most pull ups in school. When I went to the babysitter I would challenge almost everyone to an arm wrestling match and win. I was the smallest person on my softball team and the 1st person to hit it over the fence. It wasn't because I was weak. Genetically, I was made to squat, bench and deadlift. Powerlifting is a perfect outlet.
I have no quit. There is no quit inside of me. I have played on THE MOST TERRIBLE sports teams and have been down with ZERO chance of winning and will give it everything I have until the clock runs out or they yell out 'ballgame!'. There have been times when I wished so badly that I didn't care, that I actually prayed to God to make me give up. It didn't work. The vast majority of the time, I still lose. My efforts are futile. There have been a few, extremely glorious moments that there is a turn around and I shock every spectator by making the comeback. I live for this. I find these to be more frequent when I'm the only person who has control. Powerlifting is a perfect outlet.
I feel confident in saying that I don't think anyone would question my dedication to the sport. I want to be the best and I will be. It's only a matter of stacking up enough training cycles, enough meets, enough attempts, enough 2.5lb plates, before I start taking down all time totals. I am certainly dedicated to reaching my goals. I am not, however, dedicated enough to use steroids. For a long time and still somewhat, I was of the opinion that I didn't care about competing against those that do use PED's. I don't care in the sense that I still want a bigger total and will chase it regardless. I'm not saying that I haven't considered using them myself, but over the years I've decided it's not for me. It's not for me by in large because it's illegal and I have two young children and despite my freakin HUGE numbers, I'm yet to be making any money off this gig (insert slight sarcasm here). The second and equally important reason are the side effects. I embrace being a woman and everything that comes along with it. Watch for a future post, Feminism; You're doing it Wrong. I might not be the girliest of girls, but I'll take what femininity I have. I'm also kind of a freak about hormonal balance for health and those two things don't mix well. If one does decide to start using PED's, it's not a choice I think should be made without careful consideration of every possible outcome. As I continue to climb the ranks, I'm noticing more people are paying attention. Which triggers a sense of responsibility in me to make sure what I'm doing is an accurate representation of who I am. This is why I will be seeking out tested competitions moving forward.
All this to say, if you are paying attention, instead of looking at the amount of weight on my bar, look at this. These are the characteristics that I represent . I have no problem saying that I have a genetic advantage in this sport. I also have no problem saying that I outwork plenty of the competition. The weight on the bar, the records, the totals......powerlifting does not define who I am. These characteristics are what define me. Powerlifting is the perfect outlet.
