2020 The Reset (nothing new for me)

 My life at the beginning of 2020 was smooth sailing. You see, I had already been through several bumps,  twists, and redirects leading up to 2020. I don't think my situation is unique. With that being said, I am a bit frustrated with my current situation of having to find another source of income...some may frame it as a 'career'. 

I graduated high school with a very average everything. Average grades, average ambition, average athletics, and average low/middle class parents.

I went to college on loans. I graduated with a very general degree in organizational communications with very average (read: low) grades. But I did it. I graduated. I was the first and only member of my immediate family to go to college and graduate. And I had no idea what I was doing. 

After college I struggled a bit to find a "real" job and bounced around a bit...quite lost on what I wanted to do. Eventually landing a position at a non-profit through connections of my then boyfriend, now husband. I had no idea what I was doing. 

At 25, I was pregnant. It was unexpected. I had a good job, good benefits, and was in a steady relationship. We got married in September and had our daughter in January. I had no idea what I was doing. 

My husband worked in the hospitality industry and worked in a very high volume restaurant in our early years of marriage often working 4pm to 2am. 

Taking care of my family has always been my first priority. Before I was married or had children, I always had a deep affliction for those that stayed home and took care of their families. One of the first papers I wrote in college was about this subject and it is something very close to my heart. I had no idea what I was doing.

When my daughter was under a year old, I decide to leave my job. This was my choice. I decided to work part time as a banquet server because my priority was my family and the pay was just as good. I had no idea what I was doing. 

Long story short....I have entered the educated, mother who works part-time realm of existence. 

From this point in my life I have made a few or a great many different leaps and bounds to earn an income that I define as respectable. I had no idea what I was doing.

I've worked as a server while hiding it from my employer that I was pregnant and come home and cried everyday about messing something up. 

I've worked for colleges in the catering department and found myself pumping in janitor's closets. 

I've worked for museums part time in development offices with cushy pumping rooms but with little respect from fellow employees. 

I've worked for restaurants as catering directors but chefs and cooks had no idea who I was when I walk into the kitchen. 

I've captained food trucks while guests speak to my male employees as if they are the managers. 

I have worked part-time or something cut from the part-time cloth since I had my daughter. And I don't mind that. I wanted that and I want that. HOWEVER. I have experienced some bullshit.

I have worked part-time in professional offices. When you take a part time position....there are conditions. From my experience the conditions are as follows: you aren't paid the same as full time employees, you don't actually need your job, you don't actually care about your job, you're just here because you're bored. 

This is cynical. It is also true from my perspective.

We moved around a bit and I was often in search of a professional part time position. Difficult to come by and difficult to maintain because nobody likes you. 

We moved back to Nashville approximately 5ish years ago. I've worked in a few different positions since we've been here. One day, I got a phone call....

A catering company got my name from a friend of a friend (re: my husband) and randomly called me up and asked if I would be interested in interviewing for a position. 

I thought to myself...you know, I'm going to go in there and tell them exactly what I want. 

And I did. I told them I wanted to be paid full time, but that I would work from the office part time. I told them I wanted to pick my kids up from school and be there when they needed me. I told them that I would get the job done regardless of how much time I spent in the office. And you know what? They said, YOU'RE HIRED. 

After so many years of doing a bunch of bullshit...after so many years of hiding my priority of my family, after so many years of taking pay cuts so I could raise my children, after so many years of having no respect in the professional environment I had finally, FINALLY, settled into a place that let me be both. 

My boss, my team, my clients, MYSELF....they let me be both a mother and a professional. And they respected both. And now the unfortunate reality is that I have to find that again. And I gotta say....I don't wanna. 

HOWEVER. I will say that perhaps this whole pandemic has opened some doors and some minds to the  idea that people can get jobs done (maybe even better and faster?) on their own time. And MAYBE, just maybe we stop exchanging time for money and rather exchange did you get the job done for money. I've been selling that line for far too long. 

I start a new job this week. I feel pathetic. And useless. And like I have nothing to offer. And like...I'm old for Christ's sake. I should not have to be doing this. I HATE YOU COVID-19, I REALLY HATE YOU. 

But...I've been here before. Too many times. The feelings are the same. See above. But damn, this time it hits different because it's not my own doing and not expected. I'll make it through though....I always do. 

Just be nice to each other. We really have no idea what the other person's story is....just love them first. 

THE END.